date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
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You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”