May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
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Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?