I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
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It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists