My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.