Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The Assassin.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?