I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Help Wanted
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Sticker placement is key.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.