Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.