I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.