A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
scares
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.