Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.