I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
True
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses