COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
see you in hell you stupid fruit
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business