If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Hot Hot Hot
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.