(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Natty or not?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The pasta is now
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*