My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.