Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that