Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.