White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.