(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.