Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
#merica
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.