Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.