I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?