There are usually two types of merchants.
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.