Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
mumsnet is amazing
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.