are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.