An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
you gotta be faster
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack