Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]