Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Oh thanks BBC.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
True
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..