People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.