You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not