You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”