Pretty much. 🤣
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My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.