Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
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I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
OKAY DAD
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
mechanics be like
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!