Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“Wait, let me explain..”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches