Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
You Might Also Like
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Breaking news:
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background