My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Pikachu found the lost joint
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”