I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The first matador
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
facebook is down so i am having to improvise