To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company