Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together