Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
we’re gonna need another temp
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string