Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n