Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Tough love is true love
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
*puts words between two asterisks*
I’m confused about plants