The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
You Might Also Like
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
This a good idea
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Name this drama.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Trying
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh