Posting this on behalf of a friend
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer