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It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.