I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me