Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Gods work.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Breaking news:
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns