If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
The pen is writier than the sword.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster