“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.