*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
You Might Also Like
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.